2014 Headline of the Year
Let’s start off with some animal stories, move on to crime, then we’ll do sex and sex(y) crimes, which is a natural segue to children and old people, loop back with some poop and farts, then close it off with two runners up and one winner. Cool? Let’s go!
Animals Panda Fakes Pregnancy To Get More Food
World milking championships darkened by doping allegations
Flatulent cows start fire at German dairy farm - police
There is a lizard sex satellite floating in space and Russia no longer has it under control
Russia confirms death of five geckos on space sex mission
This Political Campaign Ad Features A Horse With A Large Erection
Crime Meat Bandit Leaves Pants Behind
Poetry vs. prose debate leads to fatal stabbing
Juggalos engage hipsters in Portland turf war
Man arrested after stopping to play with cats during police chase
Underwear thief is caught after ceiling collapses under the weight of the 2,000 sets of lingerie he had hidden in China
MAN ACCUSED OF DRIVING DRUNK WITH PEDESTRIAN IN WINDSHIELD
Police Cruiser Slams into Dunkin Donuts
Police: Teen rubbed genitals on customer’s pizza
Woman in sumo wrestler suit assaulted her ex-girlfriend in gay pub after she waved at man dressed as a Snickers bar
Vancouver residents terrorized by mysterious huge-donged Satan statue
Penis satan statue site now home to a penguin in sunglasses
Florida Town Must Open Meeting With Satanic Prayer or Violate Supreme Court Ruling
Floridians …
Man Stabs Co-Worker Over a Stolen Meatball
Man Fined For Pretending To Be A Ghost At Cemetery, Making ‘Wooo’ Noises Around Mourners
Florida man attacks mom’s boyfriend with Samurai sword over missing can of shrimp
Meet the Colorado bank robber dubbed the ‘Good Grammar Bandit’
Crafty crook in Santa suit robs bank during SantaCon
‘Nerdy Bandit’ Arrested After Most Hipster Robbery Of All Time
Fargo Man Arrested For Clearing Snow With Flamethrower
Bodies & Sex There’s Going To Be A “Mass Face-Sitting Protest” Outside Parliament
The Parisian Butt Plug Christmas Tree Has Been Destroyed
Edward Smith has sex with more than 700 cars, lost virginity to a VW Beetle
Denmark moves to ban bestiality: Controversial right to have sex with animals will be outlawed
American Exchange Student Pulled Out of Giant German Vagina
Horny Redditors Jerk Off to Photo of Dude’s Butt, Thinking It’s Boobs
Pipe Bursts at Dick-Shaped Church
Jewish woman builds career on butt
“Vaginal Knitting” As Activist Performance Art
We Hired A Male Escort And All We Got Was A Lousy Lecture On Dismantling Capitalism
Sex(y) Crimes Kid Rock Subpeonaed To Produce Glass Dildo As Evidence In Insane Clown Posse Lawsuit
Man cleared of owning ‘extreme porn’ after tiger in sex video revealed to be man in costume
Florida Woman Caught Stealing Liquor by Hiding It Up Her You-Know-What
Bad Molly Takes Colorado State Student On Insane, Masturbatory Rampage
Post-Threesome Hamburger Meat Taste Test Leads to Bathroom Brawl
Cops: Woman Crashes Car While Shaving Her Privates
Police: Man had sex with pool toy, again
Off his trolley: Man sentenced after trying to have sex with a buffet cart
Philly Terrorized By Swiss Cheese Masturbator
Drunk woman caught having sex in car park tries to wear cheeseburger as a shoe
Cormac McCarthy’s Ex-Wife Pulled a Gun Out of Her Vagina During an Argument About Aliens
Police Find Entire Jewelry Store Inside Teen’s Rectum
Children & Old People Accidentally setting myself on fire helped me overcome my fear of living alone
Now would you please hand me the fire extinguisher ?
A 9-Year-Old Girl Accidentally Killed Her Gun Instructor With an Uzi in Arizona
Imbecile Seeks Input From Bigoted Halfwit
Grandparents Keep Accidentally Tagging Grandmaster Flash In Facebook Posts And It’s Completely Adorable
Casey Kasem’s Wife Throws Raw Hamburgers at His Kids Because the Bible Told Her So
Farts & Poops Butt-Smuggling Fart-Puncher Arrives at Indiana Jail
Sewer was blocked by large Pooh
Flight Grounded By Farting Woman
Scientists Say Smelling Farts Might Prevent Cancer
Houston Neighborhood Haunted by Serial Pooper
This wouldn’t even make the news in my neighborhood.
Second Runner Up Is Obama Too Normcore to Defeat Putin?
Runner Up Firm Contracted to Build Fence on US-Mexico Border is Fined for Hiring Illegal Workers
2014 Headline of the Year University President takes $90,000 pay cut to give raises to minimum-wage workers
Somebody name a stadium for this man!