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    "Let’s start off with some animal stories, move on to crime, then we’ll do sex and sex(y) crimes, which is a natural segue to children and old people, loop back with some poop and farts, then close it off with two runners up and one winner. Cool? Let’s go!",
    "Animals Panda Fakes Pregnancy To Get More Food",
    "World milking championships darkened by doping allegations",
    "Flatulent cows start fire at German dairy farm - police",
    "There is a lizard sex satellite floating in space and Russia no longer has it under control",
    "Russia confirms death of five geckos on space sex mission",
    "This Political Campaign Ad Features A Horse With A Large Erection",
    "Crime Meat Bandit Leaves Pants Behind",
    "Poetry vs. prose debate leads to fatal stabbing",
    "Juggalos engage hipsters in Portland turf war",
    "Man arrested after stopping to play with cats during police chase",
    "Underwear thief is caught after ceiling collapses under the weight of the 2,000 sets of lingerie he had hidden in China",
    "MAN ACCUSED OF DRIVING DRUNK WITH PEDESTRIAN IN WINDSHIELD",
    "Police Cruiser Slams into Dunkin Donuts",
    "Police: Teen rubbed genitals on customer’s pizza",
    "Woman in sumo wrestler suit assaulted her ex-girlfriend in gay pub after she waved at man dressed as a Snickers bar",
    "Vancouver residents terrorized by mysterious huge-donged Satan statue",
    "Penis satan statue site now home to a penguin in sunglasses",
    "Florida Town Must Open Meeting With Satanic Prayer or Violate Supreme Court Ruling",
    "Floridians …",
    "Man Stabs Co-Worker Over a Stolen Meatball",
    "Man Fined For Pretending To Be A Ghost At Cemetery, Making ‘Wooo’ Noises Around Mourners",
    "Florida man attacks mom’s boyfriend with Samurai sword over missing can of shrimp",
    "Meet the Colorado bank robber dubbed the ‘Good Grammar Bandit’",
    "Crafty crook in Santa suit robs bank during SantaCon",
    "‘Nerdy Bandit’ Arrested After Most Hipster Robbery Of All Time",
    "Fargo Man Arrested For Clearing Snow With Flamethrower",
    "Bodies & Sex There’s Going To Be A “Mass Face-Sitting Protest” Outside Parliament",
    "The Parisian Butt Plug Christmas Tree Has Been Destroyed",
    "Edward Smith has sex with more than 700 cars, lost virginity to a VW Beetle",
    "Denmark moves to ban bestiality: Controversial right to have sex with animals will be outlawed",
    "American Exchange Student Pulled Out of Giant German Vagina",
    "Horny Redditors Jerk Off to Photo of Dude’s Butt, Thinking It’s Boobs",
    "Pipe Bursts at Dick-Shaped Church",
    "Jewish woman builds career on butt",
    "“Vaginal Knitting” As Activist Performance Art",
    "We Hired A Male Escort And All We Got Was A Lousy Lecture On Dismantling Capitalism",
    "Sex(y) Crimes Kid Rock Subpeonaed To Produce Glass Dildo As Evidence In Insane Clown Posse Lawsuit",
    "Man cleared of owning ‘extreme porn’ after tiger in sex video revealed to be man in costume",
    "Florida Woman Caught Stealing Liquor by Hiding It Up Her You-Know-What",
    "Bad Molly Takes Colorado State Student On Insane, Masturbatory Rampage",
    "Post-Threesome Hamburger Meat Taste Test Leads to Bathroom Brawl",
    "Cops: Woman Crashes Car While Shaving Her Privates",
    "Police: Man had sex with pool toy, again",
    "Off his trolley: Man sentenced after trying to have sex with a buffet cart",
    "Philly Terrorized By Swiss Cheese Masturbator",
    "Drunk woman caught having sex in car park tries to wear cheeseburger as a shoe",
    "Cormac McCarthy’s Ex-Wife Pulled a Gun Out of Her Vagina During an Argument About Aliens",
    "Police Find Entire Jewelry Store Inside Teen’s Rectum",
    "Children & Old People Accidentally setting myself on fire helped me overcome my fear of living alone",
    "Now would you please hand me the fire extinguisher ?",
    "A 9-Year-Old Girl Accidentally Killed Her Gun Instructor With an Uzi in Arizona",
    "Imbecile Seeks Input From Bigoted Halfwit",
    "Grandparents Keep Accidentally Tagging Grandmaster Flash In Facebook Posts And It’s Completely Adorable",
    "Casey Kasem’s Wife Throws Raw Hamburgers at His Kids Because the Bible Told Her So",
    "Farts & Poops Butt-Smuggling Fart-Puncher Arrives at Indiana Jail",
    "Sewer was blocked by large Pooh",
    "Flight Grounded By Farting Woman",
    "Scientists Say Smelling Farts Might Prevent Cancer",
    "Houston Neighborhood Haunted by Serial Pooper",
    "This wouldn’t even make the news in my neighborhood.",
    "Second Runner Up Is Obama Too Normcore to Defeat Putin?",
    "Runner Up Firm Contracted to Build Fence on US-Mexico Border is Fined for Hiring Illegal Workers",
    "2014 Headline of the Year University President takes $90,000 pay cut to give raises to minimum-wage workers",
    "Somebody name a stadium for this man!",
    "Twitter",
    "Facebook"
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